I wrote this blog in April but didn’t post it until September…#covid.
I had the rare opportunity to be with my parents on my birthday this year. That hasn’t happened for several years. As is their custom, dinner included some reflection questions. Because the chances for these kinds of conversations are few and far between, and because (for as much as I would complain about them growing up) I am grateful for the practice of intentional reflection, I thought I’d try to preserve pieces of our conversation for the sake of future nostalgia. The questions this year were centred around four decades. They’re good questions.
Name a significant birthday memory from each decade:
- the fact that I made it to my first birthday always gets notable mention. The first few days after I was born involved an unknown medical condition and a blood transfusion. As my mother put it: “It was a bit of a rocky start there…”
- one year, my mom let me invite a few friends to spend an evening walking around a shopping area in Nairobi. What made this birthday memorable was that we put on special ‘going out’ clothes and it was just me and her and 3 of my friends. I think we went to a sit-down restaurant, and then did window-shopping (the stores were closed), and then got ice cream.
- In college I jokingly told a friend how badly I wanted a surprise party. I didn’t expect she would even try it, much less that people would want to attend. I was given a card on the morning of my birthday with a clue about who to go to next. Throughout the day I was sent to various friends who gave me cards with the next clue. I followed the clues, which led me to a friend who suggested we make some hot drinks (this was my ‘thing’). I remember being a bit depressed and kind of wanting to just brood in my feelings, and was grateful that my friend was making herself available for that. We went into the dorm lounge to heat up water for tea, and the room was full of all the people I had crossed paths with throughout the day, and anyone I would ever dare to consider ‘friends’ at that point. My friend had spray painted a Ken doll gold, mounted it on a cardboard box, and presented it to me as an ‘Oscar-award winning friend.’ I was absolutely blown away.
- A few years after moving to Florida, I found myself establishing traditions in ways I hadn’t experienced before–like having friends I expected to spend holidays with. One year my birthday was close to Easter, and these friends not only included me in Easter (which I expected), but had decorated their dining room with a ‘happy birthday’ sign and streamers for me, and included a birthday party in the holiday plans (which I didn’t expect).
What are four lessons you’ve learned?
- Be open to relationships and people. I made it hard for people to get close to me for a long time, and I think I missed out on really experiencing friendships and relationships in significant ways for many years (still working on this).
- Be clear about who/what gets to influence your sense of value and worth. It’s taken me a while to release negative messages, claim my own agency, and not fold into others’ opinions and expectations (still working on it).
- Do the work to face and reflect on your foundation. It’s been challenging and uncomfortable to address, reflect on, evaluate, deconstruct and reconstruct the things (ideas, messages, convictions, systems of belief, etc) I stand on. But I think it’s been important work.
- It’s okay to not know. Whether it’s all the answers to the Sunday school questions, a five-year plan, a career dream, or long-term impact of a decision…it’s okay not to know.
Who are significant friendships or relationships from various decades?
I was surprised at how easy it was to answer this question. I have never thought of myself as particularly ‘popular’ or ‘social,’ and I have an unfortunate tendency to question and minimize attachment and connection, but I discovered I could easily identify names (some peers, some adults) whose connection with me was genuine and meaningful.
Are there any seasons or decisions you regret?
I don’t regret the season of being at college, but I wish I had been given the option of starting at community college or taking a gap year. College may be a naturally stormy time for development reasons, but I wish I had slowed down and taken time to sort through the baggage I was carrying, articulate more clearly how I wanted to contribute to the world, and find a bit more academic/vocational focus. I don’t regret the college I attended or the experiences I had during college. It was an important time, no doubt (and I have good memories from those years), but if I could go back to a page in the “Choose Your Own Adventure” novel to see if I could get different results (and not end up with as much debt), I would choose that season.