I just gotta say…I’m not a fan. It’s not personal and I’m trying not to be too judgmental because I know you have a role and a purpose. But I’m not a fan in this moment. I was doing okay–well, even. I felt like I was finally settling in to this season. I was, honestly, enjoying not feeling so heavy and angsty all the time.
Dear Anxiety,
I can feel you trying to get my attention, but I’m not sure why. You’re hanging out in the background and happy to wait for a break in my schedule to slide into the empty space. It’s like just as I am stacking the final papers on my desk, hitting “send” on the last email, putting the loose pens back in the pen holder and scooting my chair back with a sigh of accomplishment, you pop up from the other side of the desk with a chuckle and say, “just kidding! I’m still here!”
I gotta say…it’s kind of annoying. I thought we had come to an agreement. I thought we had an understanding. You played a role over the last few years as I navigated disruption and transition. And that was necessary. You reminded me to be careful and you helped me establish some rhythms and routines which provided structure and safety when everything felt unsteady and chaotic. Thank you for that.
But what’s going on now? Why are you trying to get my attention this time?
I gotta say…it’s been so nice to sleep through the night and be able to take deep breaths. It’s been so nice to just get through the day without an ongoing commentary running in my mind like an endless talk radio show. I’ve been enjoying both work and non-work life. I have been thinking ahead and imagining possibilities. I’ve been appreciating the “now” and not dwelling too much in the past. The various chapters of my life have been interacting with each other–like that moment when you invite people from different parts of your life to a gathering, and everyone is talking and interacting care-fully with one another.
But recently you’ve been that energy whose presence I can sense but can’t quite see. I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night already going through the ways I will disappoint someone or fail. My dreams have been vivid and energy-draining. I’ve been overspending and overeating.
And then Dad was in my dream last week and it was like you crossed the street and stuck your foot in the door. It’s not an anniversary or a significant milestone of any kind that he would be connected to. I don’t even remember the scene, but I remember in the dream there was some gathering underway, and all of a sudden he came up to me–standing full height and free from the decline that defined his life for the last several years. He was wearing one of his short-sleeve button-down shirts–the green and blue checkered one. I remember I said, “what are YOU doing here?” Not in a critical way, but just in a surprised way because I wasn’t expecting him.
So you got your foot in the door, and now I can’t quite get the door closed so I’m distracted. I’ve been watching the memorial service videos and re-reading the reflection I helped write. I’ve been staring at the family pictures on the wall that no longer have Dad in them. I’ve been sleeping less.
And then yesterday you shoved all the way in and flopped down on the chair in the entryway. I couldn’t get a deep breath on the way to church, and was almost late because I just couldn’t get going. My hands were tingling and I couldn’t focus during the service…to the point where I was checking my pulse to see if my heart rate was racing for some reason. My pulse was steady, but I had this weight on my chest I couldn’t release. I’ve felt like this before. I was able to function okay, but I came back to my apartment and ended up just sleeping to tune out.
I just gotta say…I’m not a fan. It’s not personal and I’m trying not to be too judgmental because I know you have a role and a purpose. But I’m not a fan in this moment. I was doing okay–well, even. I felt like I was finally settling in to this season. I was, honestly, enjoying not feeling so heavy and angsty all the time.
So what is it that you need? What are you trying to bring to my attention?
Maybe Grief is trying to connect…I’ll give you that. I have been thinking a lot about my Florida people and just missing those relationships…I’ll give you that. This support group I’ve been co-leading at the university tripped up my own experiences of young adult years…that’s also true. I have been finding some confidence and competency at work that I haven’t had for the last four years…and that scares me. It is time for me to renew my work permit sometime in the next year to recommit to this job for another 5 years, and sensing that I actually want to do that makes me nervous.
So, yeah, Anxiety–I see you. I admit you’ve maybe got some valid reason to be here. I suppose you’re reminding me that I am not alone and it’s okay to lean in to the relationships and support that I have established…not just in crisis, but for authentic ongoing care. I suppose you’re reminding me that ‘next steps’ in professional and personal development can disrupt a status quo that feels comfortable…and that’s okay. I suppose you’re reminding me that not everything I do has to make everyone else happy.
Maybe you’re reminding me that it’s okay to feel sad and somewhat content and anticipate whatever’s coming next AT THE SAME TIME. Maybe you’re inviting me to stay elastic and to be okay with moving back and forth between emotions rather than expecting my only options to be one extreme or another.
So yeah–I see you. And today (or at least this morning), I will sit on the bench next to you. I will slow down and not try to push you into the background of activity and tasks. I will pay you some attention.
But, honestly, I don’t want you to stick around for too long. I like the rhythm I’ve been finding. I like not feeling needy and like I’m sucking up all my support energy at once. I like feeling like I am offering support as much as I am receiving it. I like noticing that the potholes of depression that have been slowing me down might be more and more in the rear view mirror.
So if you need some time and space, fine…I can give you some time and space. But I do have things to get back to, so at some point I will direct you to the snacks in the fridge and tell you how to get onto AmazonPrime.